So taking time to grieve my dad was supposed to be last week's experiment. I half heartedly did some thinking about my dad, but I wouldn't feel right saying that I conducted the Week 12 experiment with full attention. So I've decided to give myself an extension and do some full throttle grieving.
I wonder sometimes if we use the word 'grieving' too loosely. If you've ever truly grieved, then you know what I'm talking about. I've been through grief before, so that's why I know I never grieved my father's death to the extent that I should have...to the extent that would have been healthy for me to experience.
No, when my father passed away last August, there were too many other considerations to deal with that got in the way of dealing with the fact that my dad was gone. As a professional event coordinator, when disaster strikes, what's a girl like me to do? I'll tell you what - get organized! Who has time to grieve when there are so many details, details, details to take care of. Picking out flowers, airport pick-ups, photo collages, Shoppers Drug Mart runs with your 80 year old aunt for pantyhose and distilled water for her oxygen machine.
My first priority became making sure my mom was "ok". Ambulances, phone calls delivering bad news, funeral arrangements, financial questions, new routines...I oversaw it all. Mom is adapting just fine. I feel responsible for her well being - she was my focus for months. She still is, but I've relaxed my grip a bit.
The week my dad died, after the funeral was over and relatives went home, I started to grieve. But not for my father. I started grieving the relationship with my family, more specifically my siblings. We're a blended family and I have 5 half brothers and sisters. My full sister and I were younger and grew up in a different time, place and experience. Dad had been the link to connect us all. We only saw each other on holidays. I was feeling like my family was disappearing one by one...my sister over 10 years ago, now my dad, next the relationship with my siblings. It was a lonely place.
Oh - did I mention that two weeks after my dad passed away, I was hit at an intersection by a 90 year old man who ran a red light? My car was a write-off and the bruises on my body were NOT pretty.
So by now I'm sure you can appreciate the distractions that kept me from digging deeper to experience true grief over the loss of my dad Freeman.
Well, I'm very happy to say that since my dad's death, the relationship with my siblings has grown stronger than ever. We've all promised to keep in contact and we get together regularly. I am deeply touched by all of their kindnesses, and I feel truly committed to keeping our relationship going.
Now that I've vented a bit, it's time to get down to business this week and spend some time celebrating my dad, feeling some feelings, and figuring out how the memory of my dad should be stored in my heart. Out of respect for my family, I'll be sharing more about this process, and less about the specifics of the relationship my dad and I shared. I'll report back soon.
